“I carried guilt and shame around like two big suitcases.”
That’s how Elsa describes her feelings during her divorce.
The emotions felt heavier than she expected—anger bubbling up at unexpected times and a quiet shame that kept whispering, 'I should have known better.”
Today, Elsa is one of the real people featured in the DivorceCare video series. Throughout the sessions, she honestly shares the struggles she faced and the healing she gradually experienced.
But before she appeared in those videos, Elsa was simply a woman trying to understand her broken marriage, raise a young daughter, and cope with emotions she didn’t yet know how to process.
Her story starts well before DivorceCare—back when the first warning signs in her marriage began to show.
Elsa says the problems in her marriage existed from the beginning.
“We started off as a very volatile and unsettled couple. Even in our dating relationship, it was messy. And I, of course, ignored all the huge red flags.”
After getting engaged, they eloped. "We actually eloped," Elsa explains. She was scared to tell her parents that she was getting married so young.
Problems surfaced quickly. “He was a very angry man, so his anger came out in sharp and hard bursts, and I was an avoider. So I just did not want conflicts.”
A few years later, they tried to start fresh by moving to a new town. Elsa packed everything and moved ahead with their 18-month old daughter—but her husband never followed.
Just like that, her marriage ended. After four and a half years of marriage, Elsa found herself facing financial strain, emotional chaos, and a future she never imagined. What surprised her most was the emotions she didn’t yet know how to name.
Divorce didn’t just change Elsa’s circumstances—it exposed what was happening in her heart.
If you’re walking through separation or divorce right now, you may recognize what she describes next.
Elsa didn’t see herself as an angry person.
“Because I was an avoider who didn’t really like to look at her feelings, I would have said, 'No, I’m not really angry.’”
But anger has a way of surfacing—even when we try to ignore it.
“So, my anger didn’t come out in these bombs of anger. They came out more like hand grenades.”
She explains what that looked like:
“I would snap at my girl. I’d be driving down the road, and somebody would cut me off, and all of a sudden, this rage would come out. I’d stub my toe, and I’d curse. I mean, it was way animated responses for little things.”
Then she names the real issue:
“It was just all of that anger kind of sitting inside of me that I didn’t want to acknowledge.”
Maybe you’ve experienced something similar. You tell yourself you’re fine—you’re coping, you’re managing. But then something small happens, and your reaction feels bigger than the moment.
Often, that’s unprocessed pain rising to the surface.
At a divorce recovery retreat, Elsa was asked to write a letter to her ex-husband. “I remember starting that letter very calmly and just writing. And by the end of the letter, that pen was busting through the paper.”
For the first time, Elsa allowed herself to see what was really there. “What was so good about that was finally acknowledging all that yuck,” she explains.
Elsa realized something important: “It helped me understand that what had happened to my daughter and to me was wrong. And that I could be upset about it. And I had a right to be upset about it.”
Healing didn’t begin when her anger disappeared. It began when she stopped pretending it wasn’t there.
If anger flared loudly, shame settled in quietly.
“In the midst of my divorce, I carried guilt and shame around like two big suitcases.”
She describes the internal message that played on repeat: “I felt so ashamed of where I was, of who I was. The thing I kept telling myself was, "I should have known better."”
Those words may sound familiar. You replay decisions, revisit red flags, and question yourself.
Elsa eventually shared this struggle with an older friend. Her friend said something she would never forget: “Elsa, I want you to stop shoulding on yourself.”
It made her laugh—but it also shifted her perspective.
Her friend gently challenged her to separate what was truly hers to own from what wasn’t.
“Yes, you did some things wrong. Own it. Apologize for it. Seek forgiveness. Do the right thing. And then let it go. Don’t own the stuff that’s not yours.”
That advice became pivotal.
Elsa went home and wrote down the things she genuinely needed to confess.
“I went home, and I started writing things that I had actually done wrong, people I had wronged, bad choices, and lying.”
She brought the list to trusted friends. “And I literally went through this list. And at the end, I looked up, and I was expecting them to be looking at me with just disgust.” Instead, she saw something else: “I saw in them compassion, tenderness, and love that said, ‘it’s okay. It’s done now.’”
Then she describes what happened inside her: “I felt this weight, this heaviness just lift from my heart.” Elsa learned that owning your part is healthy. Living under constant shame is not.
Elsa is honest about the timeline. “I would love to say that that was about 24 to 48 hours.” But it wasn’t.
“The reality was it really was a practice over time, and I would say it literally took years.”
If you’re still wrestling with anger—or if shame still whispers, “I should have known better”—that doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re in the process. And the process is easier when you’re not alone.
Divorce can leave you feeling isolated—like no one understands the anger, guilt, and confusion swirling inside you. But there are others who do.
At DivorceCare, you’ll meet people who understand what it feels like when emotions spill out unexpectedly. You’ll find a safe place to be honest, to process what you’re carrying, and to begin setting down what’s too heavy to hold alone.
If anger and shame feel overwhelming right now, take one small step: find a DivorceCare group near you and begin your healing journey.