How to Get Along with Your Ex

Your Former Spouse

When reconciliation isn’t possible after divorce, many people are still left needing to interact with their ex, especially if children are involved. These interactions often lead to conflict, drain emotional energy, and deepen wounds.

If you’re struggling to get along with your ex, you’re not alone. And while you can’t control behavior, you can take steps that help you navigate the relationship with more peace, wisdom, and strength. Here’s how:

Do what you CAN control

Romans 12:18 reminds us, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

That means God isn’t holding you responsible for your ex’s words or behavior. He’s asking you to focus on what you can do to pursue peace. You don’t have to fix the relationship, you just need to do your part.

Counselor Brad Hambrick explains, “The divorced person is not responsible for the other person’s response to his efforts. He’s only responsible for doing what God is calling him to do.”

Releasing the outcome to God gives you the freedom to stop striving for a result you can’t produce. Your job is to be obedient and faithful—not to fix the other person.

Adjust your expectations

Have you ever entered a conversation with your ex, hoping they’d finally listen, finally understand, or finally change? And then, they didn’t?

It’s disappointing. But one way to protect your heart is to shift your expectations.

Pastor Stephen Viars encourages people to focus on what they can control: “They shouldn’t build their expectations upon what a former spouse is going to do or not do.”

Instead, try saying to yourself before a conversation:

I will stay calm.
I will speak respectfully.
I will walk away if things turn toxic.

Setting your tone in advance helps you stay steady—even when your ex isn’t. Decide in advance: I will remain calm. I will speak respectfully. I will end the conversation if it becomes destructive.

Speak your truth with peace

You can speak up without stirring up a fight. Pastor Crawford Loritts shares a helpful example: Instead of saying, “You can’t treat me that way,” try saying, “I won’t allow myself to be treated that way.”

This kind of language isn’t aggressive—but it is clear. It sets a boundary without inviting more conflict.

Counselor Leslie Vernick describes toxic interactions between exes as a “destructive dance.” While you can’t change your dance partner, she says, you can change the way you respond: “If you stop dancing the same way you’ve always danced, the dance changes.” While this doesn’t guarantee a new outcome, it is an act of maturity and personal responsibility.

Safety note: It’s important to clarify, however, that in cases of abuse or extreme conflict, healthy boundaries may include limiting contact to written communication or involving a mediator. God calls us to peace—not to perpetual exposure to danger (1 Corinthians 7:15).

What’s coming out of you?

It’s easy to focus on how the other person behaves, but sometimes God wants to use conflict to expose something in us, in our own hearts.

Leslie Vernick uses an illustration: She shakes a bottle with dirt at the bottom until the water becomes cloudy. Then she asks, “Did shaking the bottle make it dirty?” Of course not—the shaking just revealed what was already there.

Jesus made a similar point when He said, “For his mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart.” (Luke 6:45, CSB).

When your ex brings out your worst reactions, take a moment to reflect:

Did I contribute to or exacerbate the situation?
How did I respond when I felt wronged?
Have I returned evil for evil?
Am I stereotyping people like my ex based on gender, race, or personality?

Owning your part doesn’t mean you’re to blame—it just means you’re growing.

Pastor Viars calls this “humble analysis”: owning your responses and asking for forgiveness where needed. “While the person sinned against wasn’t responsible for what happened, s/he is responsible for his/her response.”

Forgiveness & accountability

Forgiveness doesn’t mean saying everything is fine. It doesn’t mean trusting your ex again or pretending things didn’t happen. But it does mean releasing bitterness and giving up the right to seek revenge (Ephesians 4:31–32).

Sometimes, healing includes asking for forgiveness. Maybe you said things in the heat of the moment that you now regret. Perhaps you’ve contributed to the conflict in ways you didn’t realize.

God honors humility. Forgiveness is not a one-time act—it’s part of the sanctification journey. As we follow Christ, we learn to forgive as He forgave us (Colossians 3:13).

Use wisdom with your ex’s wiring

Every person has a “wiring”—a set of personality traits, habits, and sensitivities. Knowing your ex’s wiring might help you avoid unnecessary conflict.

If your ex hates last-minute plans, try to communicate early.
If in-person conversations become heated, try texting or emailing instead.
If they tend to dominate the conversation, set a time limit in advance to ensure a balanced discussion.

Being thoughtful about these things doesn’t mean you’re weak or accommodating bad behavior. It means you’re using wisdom to prevent unnecessary conflict (see Proverbs 15:1). Peace often starts with a bit of planning.

When safety is a concern

If your ex has been abusive or threatening, or if you feel unsafe, please seek help from a trusted counselor, DivorceCare leader, or pastor.

You might need to:

Communicate only through a parenting app
Exchange kids in public places
Use a third-party mediator for sensitive topics

It is not unbiblical to protect oneself. Jesus Himself withdrew from danger when necessary (John 7:1).

3 things you can try with your ex this week

Prepare for your following conversation by rehearsing calm, respectful language you can use, regardless of what your ex says.
Pray before and after your interactions, asking God for patience, strength, and wisdom.
Pause to do a “heart check” afterward. What did this reveal about your own emotions, reactions, and spiritual growth?

A word of encouragement

Loving your ex as Christ loves us is not easy. But sanctification is rarely easy. Every time you choose humility over pride, peace over retaliation, grace over bitterness. God is shaping you into the image of Jesus.

Don’t expect perfection or immediate change. God is patient with you. So be patient with yourself and the process.

Invite the Holy Spirit to help you walk this out. And remember, you are not alone. God sees your pain and honors your efforts to walk in His ways.

If you’re not yet part of a DivorceCare group, we invite you to join us. DivorceCare is a place where you’ll find support, encouragement, and biblical guidance for the road ahead. Find a group near you at divorcecare.org

Adapted from “Pastor, How Can I Get Along with My Ex” by Sam Hodges