Can My Marriage Be Saved After an Affair?, Part 1

Affairs shatter trust. They leave behind heartbreak, confusion, and seemingly unanswerable questions. If you’re navigating the early stages of discovery and disclosure, restoration is still possible. It won’t be easy or fast. But it can happen. And we want to help you envision what that journey could look like.

Here’s how to begin.

Phase 1: Truth and disclosure

In the wake of an affair, deception is almost always part of the story. Whether it’s a one-time event or a long-term secret relationship, hidden behavior erodes trust. For healing to begin, the couple must be honest and disclose the truth.

At this stage, the goal is not only to uncover facts but also to create an environment of honesty and full disclosure. If you’re the betrayed spouse, you may feel torn between wanting to know everything and fearing more pain. That’s normal. But the whole truth is essential for laying the foundation for rebuilding.

Ways couples pursue full disclosure:

• Requesting a written timeline of the affair, from first contact to last interaction
• Asking questions and receiving honest, unguarded answers
• Gaining access to phones, emails, financial records, and other communication tools
• Meeting with a pastor or counselor to guide the process

Disclosure is a process. Don’t expect it all at once. But do expect the truth.

Caution: If the betraying spouse is manipulative, unrepentant, or abusive—physically, emotionally, or spiritually—disclosure may not be safe or fruitful. Seek help from a trusted pastor or counselor before moving forward. Your safety is paramount.

Phase 2: Empathy and accountability

With the truth out in the open, the healing process moves toward responsibility and empathy. At this time, the betraying spouse must act—not just with words, but with deeds.

Signs of true accountability:

• They accept responsibility without shifting blame or minimizing it.
• They express genuine sorrow—not just for being caught, but for causing pain.
• They willingly submit to boundaries, including transparency and monitoring.
• They validate the betrayed spouse’s anger, grief, and emotional swings.

Psalm 51 is a biblical model of confession. King David owns his sin completely. He weeps. He repents. He seeks restoration with God first, then others. That’s what accountability looks like.

Empathy matters too. When you’re the betrayed spouse, it helps when your spouse shows understanding of your pain. You’re not being “too emotional” or “holding a grudge.” You’re grieving—and grieving takes time.

“The person who has had the affair needs to recognize, ‘There is something in my life that’s way off. My spiritual values have gone off the path. I have made decisions that I feel awful about.’” —Counselor, DivorceCare

Phase 3: Rebuilding and hope

When the lies are laid bare and responsibility is accepted, hope can begin to grow.

Signs that restoration is possible:

• The betraying spouse initiates honest conversations.
• They ask, “Are you okay?” and give space for complex answers.
• They embrace long-term accountability—not just for weeks, but for years to come.
• Both spouses are willing to seek counseling or attend a recovery group.

Scripture reminds us that God doesn’t waste our pain. In 2 Corinthians 1:3–4, Paul states that the comfort we receive from God becomes the comfort we can offer to others. What you’re experiencing now could one day help another couple in crisis.

Don’t give up.

God has restored marriages before—He can do it again. Restoration isn’t about going back to how things were. It’s about creating something new. A marriage rebuilt on truth, humility, and grace.

Takeaways for this week

• Tell someone. If you’ve just discovered an affair, find a trusted pastor or counselor to talk to.
• Don’t rush disclosure. But do insist on full disclosure.
• Look for empathy and ownership. These are key signals for restoration.
• Ask for help. Seek a counselor or speak to your pastor.

When you’ve experienced hurt like this, you need support. If you are separated or divorced, join a DivorceCare group, where you’ll find biblical counsel and people who truly understand. Find a group near you or online.

Coming next in part 2:

In part 2, you will discover what rebuilding looks like day by day, and how to discern when reconciliation may not be possible.

Adapted from “How to Restore Broken Marriages After an Affair” by Dr. Les Carter